Before I begin getting deeper into this topic, I am not a relationship expert, nor is my relationship perfect, but I feel like my wife and I have a great connection and our lives are great 98% of the time. While I have a great relationship now, I willingly admit that I was pretty bad at relationships up to my late 20s. Growing up, I always knew I was at least above average in intelligence and more perceptive than most. I always found myself judging, critiquing and pointing out flaws in people, ideas, projects, etc. You name it, I had an opinion, and a strong one at that. I also never found myself in a long term relationship and what I have realized in hindsight is that I was always focusing on others and never myself. I never truly loved myself enough to fall in love with someone else. Sound confusing? Let me explain.
I believe a lot of people try to be the person they think their significant other wants them to be. Maybe you think your girlfriend likes guys that stand up for themselves, so all of a sudden, you try to be a tough guy. Maybe that’s a good thing every once in awhile, but if you are a more strategic, calculated person, trying to be a tough guy when you don’t know how to protect yourself will more than likely just get you hurt. I remember in college, when I would go on dates with these different girls, I would get a sense of what they liked and somehow try to be more like that person. Now that I think about it, that was a really strange reaction and showed extreme insecurity in myself. Ultimately, I didn’t think being myself was enough..and this is where cannabis comes in to play.
One day in college, my roommate/girlfriend of one week told me, “Seibo, I can’t live with you, you are going to have to move out." We had only lived together for one week, no fights had occurred, and I could not figure out why she wanted me to move out. I left the apartment, grabbed the fresh joint that I had just rolled, lit it, smoked it, and went for a long walk. On this walk I really started thinking back on my previous relationships. I noticed that they were all between 1-3 months, usually resulted in huge fights where someone storms out of the room, and most of the times, we would end up avoiding each other as much as possible after the break up. Then I started thinking about how humans are great at pattern recognition and if these things kept happening to me, then I was the common denominator. Maybe I was the one in the wrong?
So the epiphany goes off in my head and I start thinking that I need to work on myself, become happier with who I am, and find someone that likes me for just being me. This required me to be brutally honest with myself. I won't go into specifics but let’s just say that there were A LOT of things that I had to come to grips with and things that I am ashamed of when I look back at my past behavior. There is more work to be done but I believe that confronting a lot of those demons head on and moving past them allowed me to finally stop being a child and turn into a mature adult. I believe that once you can be honest with yourself, understand who you truly are, and express yourself honestly, then you will be able to attract the right counterpart to complete you. Big thanks to Mary Jane for getting the ball rolling. Happy Valentine’s Day.